Loving me in 2007

I have started off this year with a decision that I am going to get my life back to myself. The last two years have been whirlwinds - doing my masters, starting a new very demanding job. I stopped having time for myself, time to read, time to exercise, time to think and reflect on what it is I want. Things skipped from one event to another without time to reflect.

Let us do a summary:
2005 wasn't so good in short and then I moved city, started a new job and started a year in which I tried to find myself and a man too.

I was keeping my eyes peeled for the perfect man and I even joined an online dating site in an effort to find him. I speed dated and went clubbing. I went home alone and cried on a couple of occasions. The crying had a lot to do with living in a new city alone, with a new job to cope with and not being very sure of what I wanted from this move in my life. I love this city and I have made some great friends but there were a few uncertain months.

2006 started sitting on my couch with a good friend - neither of us particularly healthy at the time and happier to sit and chat than face a crowd on New Year's Eve. I was happy with it.

2006 continued and I kissed a few boys, I had an online flirtation that I desperately wanted to work because I wanted some excitement in my life. I was on a project I hated in work, with a team I disliked, in an industry in which I had no interest. I had no time in which to pursue any interests and when work finally did slack off I was so apathetic about life in general that all I wanted to do was sleep and ignore life.

I still went out, went drinking, went dancing and enjoyed myself in the evenings but many of them I had no desire to do anything more than go home and be by myself. Sleeping meant I didn't have to think about how empty and useless my life was.

However without me even noticing a relationship with a boy had been growing. There was a background there which I will go into someother time and when I moved to the city he was now living in we had finally got in touch again. Lunch the odd time, drinks another we slowly got to know each other again. I was wary. I didn't want to hurt him again and knew I had to be sure if I did something.

Then one July evening, out drinking with him and one of his friends we found ourselves kissing. The next month was a swirl of emotions. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into anything, I wasn't sure if he was right for me, I wasn't sure what I wanted. He knew what he wanted though and wasn't about to let me go easily.

August was not a good month. I had work problems, a new flat to find, job considerations, an interview that I cancelled a holiday in order to attend, financial worries, a budding relationship and much more. Luckily a holiday at the end of the month put me back on top form...

Only to be knocked back off again when the boy got a job offer back at home and decided to take it and move back there. October and November were spent coming to terms with the idea of a long distance relationship and with how I was going to deal with missing him. He had become a hugely important part of my life without me even realising it.

December found us coming to grips with the practicalities of long distance and living apart. I was sick and spent a lot of evenings on my couch feeling very sorry for myself. Of course this rolled into social season and when I finally got home for Christmas I was happy to spend New Year's Eve in his arms and start off 2007 in his bed and kissing him.

Despite the year starting so well I felt strangely numb and distant from my life. It occured to me over Christmas that I had turned into a boring person with nothing much going on in my life. I had become exactly what I never wanted to be... a corporate cog with nothing else in my life.

Hence my vow from the start of this rather long post. I want to be an interesting person again. I am continuing my personal education by starting a professional qualification. I swim every week at least three or four times. I have bought weights I intend on starting to lift. I intend to brush up one of my languages this year. I will keep up with what is going on in the world. I have wangled my way onto a project in an area am interested in and which is less of a corporate cog role than previously. I want to feel amazing again, I want to feel interesting, I want to feel vivacious. I used to feel like that... where did it go?