Old Feelings, New Beginnings

"I dont want to do anything that might cause me to become attached to someone... it never works. I presume that guys just see a good lay in me, never anything good. I'm big and basically I'm physically unattractive, as I see it anyway. I can sometimes see that I'm a bit cute but the fact the guys rarely see anything in me unless they have known me for a while, tells me that I don't stand out in a crowd. I'm nothing special and I know it. I feel huge the whole time - too tall, too gawky to possibly attract someone full time. Why would they like this body? And anyway if they do I'll probably fuck them up anyway with my weird ways"

- extract from my personal diary, summer of 2005.

Going into a brand new year, 2007, I am pleased to say that feelings like that no longer plague me anything like as often. I am determined to make this the year in which they are put to rest for good. I don't want to feel that kind of disgust for myself again, to loathe my body, my actions and my very being.

I know that I am an intelligent, interesting, pretty in the right light girl, who is not actually all that big but rather tall and that I have nothing to be ashamed of or for which to be sorry. 2007 shall be a year in which I finally accept myself for who I am but in which I also work hard to bring out those traits in myself which make me happiest and most at ease with myself.

It is going to be a tough year, juggling work, exams, health and long-distance relationship but I know I can do it. How do I know it? I know it because I can do anything to which I put my mind.

I am determined to regain my health - I will eat properly, swim and lift weights. This will no only improve my resistance to colds and coughs, to which I have become worringly prone, but will bring my weight down the stone that I need it to in order to feel comfortable and help with my poor posture and stiffness caused by sitting at a computer for long hours.

I will reclaim my evenings in order to have time to swim, to socialise, to study and to relax. Work will not be all consuming for me because they do not appreciate it.

I will make more time for my family this year.

I will work on my relationship even though he does not live in the same country anymore. I will stop questioning why he could possibly love me or want to be with me as I deserve everything he has to offer me and I will offer him all I can in return.

If I can sit here in a year's time healthy, happy and at ease with myself then I think I can consider it a successful year.