What I want

I've been here for two months now. Two months today to be precise and it has been wonderful on the whole. The sheer wonder of spending time together has over-ruled the negative feelings I've had at times. Because, it hasn't all been easy but then, life rarely is.

I've spent the last three and a half years living and working in London. It's a fast paced, go get-em kind of city where you never lack for something to do. Dar es Salaam is quite the opposite (except for the traffic which never ceases to amaze me). The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly here and two months later I am still waiting for a work permit for the job I was supposed to start a month and a half ago.

Some might say that this is the perfect opportunity to do things I want. When do you get the chance to have a two month holiday after all? The problem is that I've had trouble adjusting to the idea of time off and time to myself. It hasn't been helped by work declaring that I am "working from home" and then not engaging with me. This means I start checking my email at 8am, anxiously expecting something to do in order to justify this label but receiving little to nothing. I'm used to being on the go all the time, with deadlines in my high stress job, people relying on me to drive things forward and all the while trying to juggle this with study (thankfully finished now), with seeing friends, with missing my boyfriend, with fitting in time with the family who lived in another country, constant travelling and often sheer exhaustion. I was the girl who would fall asleep anywhere - plane, train, taxi, art gallery, meetings. Give me a seat, fail to engage me and off I went to dreamland.

And now, all this has come grinding to a halt thanks to the African sense of time and urgency. And I'm in a new place with not an awful lot to do and where there isn't an awful lot to do. I don't know very many people, although my circle is growing all the time but those I do know work. I feel constrained by the declaration that I'm "working from home", as if I need to be in constant reach and checking my email constantly.

And so I am struggling to find an identity for myself outside of my "career woman" identity. And there are hard days where I feel useless, as if my lack of job means that I have no contribution to make. James comes home and says "how are you? tell me about your day!" and I have nothing to say. I got up, I spent some time on the internet, I went to the pool and/or gym, I had some lunch, I read, I researched recipes to find a nice dinner to cook. I'm rapidly running out of funds so I'm trying to focus mainly on doing cheap things so my choices are limited further. There have been tears on occasion.

Starting up this blog has helped. It gives me something to focus on, a way to express some creativity in my days. I've started a diary in order to work my way through my feelings on a daily basis. This is something I found helped me enormously when I lived in the alien culture of Japan. Doing these things has helped me to focus on the positives in my life (oh so many). It has made me realise that I should not be defined by my job, which when I am honest is not what I want to be doing in even two years time.

I am so much more than my job but currently I am directionless. I've never been very good at expressing my desires in life in a definite manner. And so, I have decided that until the permit comes through, which could be very soon, I will spend more time thinking about what makes me tick.

Thanks to anybody who stops in to read my ramblings, even once. I like the idea of an audience and even feedback if you have the time. I am new to this type of blogging and this will seem a bit self-centred and inwardly focused at times, so apologies if it bores you. I'll try to jazz it up occasionally! But hopefully my meanderings will help me focus on what I am and what I want. A bit of a journey through wonderland, like Alice. My birthday is next week and after that two years until I turn thirty. I'd like to be clearer in my goals by then.

(Photo Credit: weheartit.com)